Motherhood is a beautiful thing. Yes there are times when you might question whether or not you are truly succeeding in thing called motherhood, but then something happens and all of those doubts you have about yourself and your ability to be the best parent you can be disappear. That happened to me this weekend. I'm exhausted, which is to be expected with a new baby, and sometimes I doubt that I'm doing a great job. I doubt my ability to give enough of myself to both girls in a way that makes them feel equally special... equally loved. I mostly worry in terms of my attention toward Amelia. Having another baby has been the most amazing thing in the world, but newborns need their mamas a lot and I notice that I can't always be there for Amelia like I was before. It tugs at my heart when I can't just stop feeding Cecilia to crawl around and play Legos, but seeing the love Amelia has for her baby sister and the bond they already share reminds me that the two of them having one another is far more important. Amelia told me the other day that she loves her sister so much that she can't wait to have even more siblings. How reassuring it is to know that she doesn't feel put on the back burner. That she understands life with a new baby and she loves it. So back to the story I wanted to share... the one where my heart melted and I felt like I might be winning at this mothering thing...

This weekend was wonderful. Saturday was a busy one, but full of pure awesomeness. We got up and got Amelia ready for Irish dance class. After class I had plans with her and Cecilia to go to the Portland Art Museum. A fun girls day while Mark worked on our house remodel. They had a Native American Photographers exhibit with work by Zig Jackson, Wendy Red Star and Will Wilson. Being Native American myself and a photographer I was so excited to check this out. Amelia knew that there was a Monet at the museum so she insisted on going with me. She's a Monet and Van Gogh fanatic.

We are nearing 12 weeks since Cecilia was born. Time goes by fast with one, but add a second and it's even worse. I'm not gonna lie. I've never been more exhausted in my entire life, but these weeks with Cecilia have been absolutely amazing. Watching Amelia's love for her baby sister, and watching Cecilia's face light up when she sees her big sister is what dreams are made of. The other day I asked Mark if he felt done having kids. I've heard that some people just know when a child is born that they will be their last. He had always said he'd like two and then see how he feels after that, and I always wanted four which is why we agreed that three was our magic number and then we'd decide on any more after that point. It made me laugh when he said he doesn't feel like we are done having kids yet, but he really doesn't like feeling this tired. This time goes by so fast though and both of us are just trying to soak it all up before she's crawling... walking... going to school... and driving... because before we know it that's where we'll be.

I really struggled during my pregnancy with the worry that I wouldn't be able to give enough love and attention to both of our girls. Amelia had been it for seven years and I wasn't sure how adding another baby to our family was going to affect her. I'm so happy to say that our transition to a family of four has been pretty smooth. I do feel bad when Amelia wants or needs my attention and I'm feeding Cecilia or trying to put her to sleep, but Amelia is really good about understanding the situation. She's also super helpful and does little jobs for Cecilia and I, and I think that makes her feel important. She is so in love with her baby sister. Considering my sisters are also my best friends I'm glad that these two girls will have one another. Sisterhood is a special kind of bond.

In other news... we're closing in on the end of the school year already. How did that even happen? I'm starting to make plans for summer break. There are so many things I'd like us to do during that time. Amelia has continued to keep us busy with dancing and religious education classes, and she plans to start up horseback riding again next week. Cecilia is being baptized this weekend on my 31st birthday. I'm looking forward to spending a day celebrating her with our family.
This girl has changed so much in the past year. She amazes me.

Life lately just seems to be filled with so many blessings. Even with the chaos I still feel so happy that this is our life.

Cecilia Kateri turned one month old on Monday. You can tell by my delayed post that I've been soaking up every minute of snuggle time there is. She's just so incredibly precious.

Our littlest lady surprised us by actually making it to her due date. Even my midwife thought she'd arrive early. With moving to a different house in my third trimester and remodeling the house, along with all of the other activity in our life, I had pretty strong, and somewhat regular, contractions early on. My midwife advised me to take it easy or I'd end up on bed rest. I believe her words were "you need to start taking it easy, and by that I mean delegate everything and stop doing so much". Her advise worked. Cecilia arrived on her actual due date.

When I was pregnant with Amelia I was induced four days past her due date. My labor was hard with her and lasted 38 hours with 4&1/2 hours of pushing. I knew this time I really wanted to avoid induction if at all possible. At my appointment four days before Cecilia was born my midwife did a membrane sweep and told me that if it was going to work, she'd be here either on or before her due date. I spent the next couple of days having very strong, but very irregular contractions. I also really wanted to labor as long as I could at home.

Fast forward to 3:02am on Sunday February 7th. A super strong contraction woke me up and within 5 minutes another one hit. I grabbed my phone and decided to start timing them. 5 minutes, 6 minutes, 5 minutes, 7 minutes... they weren't letting up. By 5:00am I had a pretty good idea that I was in labor. I stayed in bed hoping to catch some more sleep in between contractions, but there was no way I was going to be resting between them. At about 6am I decided to get up and shower. The second I stood up the gush happened. The one you see in the movies. Since my water had been broken for me with Amelia, I had never experienced this before. All over the floor. In the midst of the pain, it made me laugh. At this point contractions started coming on much stronger and definitely regular. Every 4-5 minutes. I decided we should get ready to go in so I woke up Mark. Since we both procrastinate we had to finish packing our bags. I called into labor and delivery and had such a hard time talking through the contractions to tell them who I was. They said to come in right away. I woke up Amelia and got her ready to go to Grace's house. She had kindly offered to keep her for us until we were close to delivery and then she planned to bring her to the hospital. My mom headed our direction and Erica was on standby to come too. I love how my family (mom and sisters) rally around one another.

Mark, mom and I got to the hospital at 8:00am. Because of having symphysis pubis dysfunction I knew I was going to have an epidural. I could barely walk and the pain from spd was a million times worse than the pain from contractions. They checked me and I was only dilated to a 3. Within 30 minutes the epidural was being placed and contractions were 4 minutes apart. The epidural didn't do much for the pelvic pain caused by spd. It was horrible. The anesthesiologist came in two additional times and gave me extra shots directly into the site. At 11 o'clock they checked me again and I was dilated to a 6, and by noon I was at an 8. As 1 o'clock came around I started feeling ready to push. At that point Erica was there and Grace had come up with Amelia, Chris and Liam. They checked me and I was fully dilated... and I kept telling them I needed to push. Erica ran out and grabbed Grace from the waiting room. Oh I should also mention that I had to set my camera at this point. I insisted on taking the very first picture of Cecilia. Blame it on the photographer in me. My midwife hadn't even gloved up yet and was still getting her gown on when she said I could try pushing. First push and Cecilia's head was crowning. That sent everyone into overdrive to get ready. Three pushes later and she was out. I grabbed my camera and snapped her picture. Our beautiful baby girl was here.

The first photo of Cecilia, taken by her mommy who just delivered her.

Amelia had asked to be in the delivery room when she was born, but I was afraid she would be worried seeing me in pain. She has watched her own birth video so that part didn't concern me as much as her worry for me. The hospital I delivered at does delayed cord clamping so I had my sister run out and grab Amelia as soon as Cecilia was out. She came in, looking somewhat concerned, but I'm so glad she was there. Mark got to cut the cord with my mom, sisters and Amelia there. It was perfect.

A huge thank you to Grace for snapping these photos for me. My epidural didn't wear off for quite a while and I couldn't move my legs to get up and take these photos myself. Having photographed these moments for other couples it was hard to hand over the camera, but she did a fantastic job!!!

Amelia didn't leave her side

I LOVE that you can see Amelia in the mirror, watching every single thing they were doing.

We spent just over 24 hours in the hospital before going home. It took a few days getting used to life with two littles (one who I have to get to and from school every day on time), and I'm in a permanent state of exhaustion, but my life is more amazing than ever. These girls and their daddy are my everything and I can't imagine life without them. I'm definitely a blessed mommy.